Saturday, November 3, 2007

If I could turn back time....

Why do these things happen to me?

Yesterday was the day our year 12 kids had their English exam. Every year when it's time, all the teachers wait outside, and when the kids come out they all swirl around and debrief. There's people everywhere, all clustered around their teachers, smiling and waving their arms around (or quiet and downcast if they felt they botched it... one of my girls didn't finish and she was nearly crying). However, apart from that, it's a good time. They've finished 13 years of English classes, it's the first and most important exam behind them, and we all touch base and connect. I had one of my students give me a hug and say that this is the first year of English that he's really enjoyed, he thanked me and that he felt he'd nailed the exam. It was a lovely moment. So what could possibly go wrong?

The media, that's what. Those cameramen and their all-encompassing lenses. We had the minister for education at the school opening a big computer centre that we've built, so tv cameras were there to shoot her making a speech, and to show our kids writing their exam and celebrating afterwards.

When I got home last night from taking the boys to their Dad's place for the weekend, there's a message from my friend Meg on my answering machine. She's laughing so hard I can barely make out the words.

"Frogdancer. I've just seen the most hilarious thing. I was just watching channel BLEEP news and saw you kicking a student."

(Now before you all jump onto the comments page and demand my immediate sacking... let me explain. It's true and it's not true. There was no mayhem or violence. But I did kick. I remember what happened, but I don't remember who the student was or what he actually said.

A lot of my mainstream English kids and I were mucking around and laughing, when someone walked past and made some sort of Smart-Alec comment. Nothing rude, but just cheeky, because he knew I'd see the joke. I laughed back and said "Why, you naughty rapscallion!" (or something) and as he raced past me I aimed a joke kick at him. I didn't connect with any portion of his anatomy, and I never meant to. You've gotta believe me....

As soon as my foot left the ground I remembered the cameras. I glanced furtively around, but they were all focused on our Assistant Principal as she was doing an interview. 'Thank God!' I thought, and then went back to debriefing the kids. Promptly forgot all about it until the phone call.)

Of course I rang Meg straight away. She is a cruel, heartless sort of person who thinks that my embarrassment on national television is a source of merriment. Apparently I was in the background of the Assistant Principal's interview. Our A.P is talking earnestly about how this is the culmination of 13 years of educational achievement, while over her shoulder Meg could see me laughing with the kids, and then the teacher brutality was there in all its glory for the world to see.

Fantastic. I'm going to be in so much trouble. The admin normally have a good sense of humour, but they're a bit sensitive about how the school is perceived by the community. I thought that maybe I'd be ok if I went in with the defence of
"He told me he'd mucked up the exam. What else was I supposed to do?"

But then again, that mightn't be such a good idea. It's not fair. Scott and Meg would never be caught on camera kicking students willy-nilly. Scott is too dignified and Meg is too crafty.

But hang on. I've just had a thought....

Since I've had this haircut Scott and I are virtually indistinguishable. Well, maybe not close up, but I bet we are from a distance. I was wearing long dangly earrings and a pink roll neck jumper, but if I swear that it wasn't me, I bet the admin will blame him. They're sure to overlook the fact that he's dressed like a girl, is at least a foot shorter, has aged 10 years and has make up on, (probably to disguise his rapidly advancing years). He'll be caught up in a world of trouble, unable to write his novel by November 30 due to the stress, while I can calmly type away and BEAT HIM.

It can't fail. Anyone who doesn't know what Scott looks like can jump onto his blog, (Scott's Abode... it's on the list of blogs on the right) and see. I'm feeling much happier now. And the best thing is that he'll never see it coming.... so ssshhhh... don't tell him.

Anyway, I'd better go and get started, because this novel won't write itself. I know that this is a scientific fact, because I didn't write a thing on it yesterday, and the word count is still 598.


lightening said...

Brilliant plan... yeah, Scott will never see it coming..... lol

I thought year 12 teachers aiming their feet at students was a given. My year 12 maths teacher often sent a boot flying in my direction (no, he never connected either although he did make a good attempt at choking me one day... lol). Maybe things have changed in the last....hang on I've run out of fingers to count how many years since I did year 12. Twas 1991 do the math. lol.

You are making me feel rather jipped though. I don't remember our teachers visiting us before OR after the exam (other than the above maths teacher). Maybe it's just old age making me forget.

The only comment I do remember was from a Biology teacher (the *other* one not mine) saying that our exam was an absolute gift and that's the only reason I did so well. Didn't we have nasty teachers!!!! Personally I think he was miffed as he'd had the top student in his class all year and I went and beat her in the exam. Don't ask me how...shocked him...shocked my teacher....shocked me.....

See, you've got nothing to worry about. You're an absolute saint in comparison to what I put up with. LOL.

Really *should* go work on my novel....procrastinating unusual for me!!!!!

Scott said...

What a fiendish devil you are - I'll be ruined! Let's see, around halfway through the Conference I was at in St Kilda I quielty absented myself, drove back frantically to school, changed into women's clothing, shaved my hair like whats-her-name from Melrose Place, applied make-up, dangly earrings and cut my legs off at the knee. Then I hobbled to the exam centre, quickly, lest I lose too much blood, in order to kick this student with my stump and implicate you in a scandal the likes of which we have not seen in Melbourne for many years.

I really hope that someone taped it - I'll check YouTube in a minute.

For now, all I can say is...I've typed more words than you...nyah nyah!

Kirby said...

lol, Caught in the act!

Kelley said...

OOOH!!! I wish I had seen it! Please let me know when it turns up on YouTube (you know one of the kids would have caught it).

I want to laugh and laugh at your humiliation......

Bwaaaa haaaa haaaa